The Turner's girl inside me

BEING told you can't have kids when you're a kid yourself is a bit bizarre. It doesn't really register, because you're more interested in what time Blue Peter's on, or what's for  tea.  But that's what I grew up knowing, because I had a thing called Turner Syndrome.

This affects  one in 2,000 baby girls (ONLY girls), and alongside infertility manifests itself in all manner of weird and wonderful ways (see http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Turners-syndrome/Pages/Symptoms.aspx for a list of possibilities). Short stature is high on the list, and to help counter this, I injected myself with growth hormone from the ages of roughly  8 to 13  (forgive me for being vague, it was a while ago) to get me above the 5ft mark - I am a lofty 5ft 1in and unbelievably proud of that accomplishment.

The funniest thing about the injections, was learning the correct procedure on an orange - apparently the skin of an orange is not unlike human skin for texture and strength. Under the watchful eye of the nurse who taught me, I would stab at that poor orange with gusto. The downside was if I forgot about the injection and had to do it late in the evening and tired - not much fun, and rather painful. My thighs still bear the rather unattractive indents where I used to inject.
Hearing has always been a bit of a battle too, again linked to flippin Turner's - operations, both successful and otherwise in a bid to cure various ear infections, throughout my childhood. And I now have two rather nifty bits of metal sticking out of my skull (Bone Anchored Hearing Aids, go Google them, my friends).

But I suppose the biggy is the whole "can't have a family naturally" thing. Because that affects not just me but the people I love the most - my parents, my fiance Ross, his parents, etc etc. And I am not going to lie, I feel a distance from my friends who now have families of their own because of it. It's something we'll never be able to share, and I have always been conscious of that. Ross has been brilliant about it, and that makes me love him even more. Ditto everyone else I've confided in. But I will always have that nagging feeling of "you're not normal" in the back of my mind, and that in the past sent me off the rails for a while,  I'll admit. My lack of self esteem ate away at me, and if you don't value yourself, then you don't expect others to, and that sent me on a bit of a spiral of crazy.
Now, I am happy to report that with the help of my nearest and dearest, I have now acknowledged the Turner's girl inside of me, learnt to love her, and realise that it makes me special rather than abnormal. I can smile at the mirror  - and she smiles back.

A new beginning

So much has happened since I last blogged that it's not even worth trying to recall all of it here. I've survived some lows and enjoyed some highs since 2009, and have come out of it stronger than I could have wished. This blog is about the person I am now - happier, more confident and more enthusiastic about life than ever before - and while I acknowledge the role past events has played, I am focusing on the future. "Look back but don't stare" is wise advice.

I'm living in the Devon village of Halwill Junction in a house that my boyfriend Ross Drowne and I bought in November. We have two guinea pigs (Brian and Stewie) and a four-month-old kitten, Barney. On March 5 I started back at the North Devon Journal as sub-editor and am loving every minute. This blog is my creative outlet, it will have no structure as such, I'm just going to post regularly any bits of news, short stories, poetry etc. that come to mind. I hope you enjoy it.

To Disneyworld and beyond....

Hey hey! Back from Florida and a weekend in Brighton so raring to go on the novel. Here's the character profiles I wrote on the plane home. They are for my lead, romantic involvement, confidant and opposition - as per the creative writing guidlines on characterisation I picked up at uni. Have also created a novel structure, based around Emily's struggle to save the stables from Dane's evil clutches (he wants to buy it as land to expand his holiday park onto).

Lead: Emily Anne Mitchell

Address: 5 Bank Terrace, Woolacombe.

Date and place of birth: 28/2/1982. NDDH, Barnstaple.

Height and appearance: 5’ 1”. Short blonde hair (cropped); broad shoulders; slight hips; green eyes; button nose; some freckles.

Distinguishing marks: tattoo of flower on right hip; belly button piercing.

Health: partially deaf; low blood pressure; slightly underweight.

Parents’ names and occupations: Mike and Sally Mitchell (teachers).

Other family members: Jason (older brother); Ellie (sister-in-law); Valerie (gran); Hannah (aunt); Chris (uncle); Vicky (cousin).

Friends’ names and occupations: Jo Stanford (best friend from school); Michael Hollister (Jo’s fiancé) – both in PR; Rachel Thomas (co-worker at stables; Josh Sullivan (barman at Red Barn).

Occupation: riding instructor at Woolacombe Riding Stables.

Job-related skills: passion for horses and working with people.

Personal qualities: loyal; trustworthy; determined; strong sense of justice.

Ambitions: to own her own riding school.

Fears/hang-ups: confined spaces.

Philosophy of life: fate decides a lot.


Romantic involvement: Ryan George Harcourt

Address: 7 Bank Terrace, Woolacombe.

Date and place of birth: 31/10/1980. NDDH, Barnstaple.

Height and appearance: 6”. Lanky frame; short black hair; hare lip; green eyes; tendency to hunch shoulders.

Distinguishing marks: mole at base of left ear.

Health: reformed smoker.

Parents’ names and occupations: Mary Tasker (primary school teacher) and Phil Harcourt (runs outdoor education centre).

Other family members: Stuart (older brother).

Friends’ names and occupations: Sam Macdonald (runs take-away); Josh Sullivan (works at Red Barn); Kelly Charters (beautician).

Occupation: photographer.

Job-related skills: Doesn’t mind anti-social hours; gets best out of people.

Personal qualities: tendency to mood swings; can calm turbulent situations; perceptive; reckless; sensitive.

Ambitions: to run a portrait studio.

Fears/hang-ups: failure; being hurt in love.

Philosophy of life: try everything once.



Confidant: Jo Stanford

Address: 6 Fairbank Close, Woolacombe.

Date and place of birth: 10/6/1982. Derriford Hospital, Plymouth.

Height and appearance: 5’9”. Brunette, long hair; slender; hazel eyes.

Distinguishing marks: nose piercing.

Health: n/a

Parents’ names and occupations: Rudy and Christine Stanford (solicitor and editor’s PA).

Other family members: Michael Hollister (fiancé); only child, but has sisterly relationship with Michael’s sister, Trish.

Friends’ names and occupations: Emily Mitchell (riding instructor); Michael Hollister (PR for NHS partnership trust); Josh Sullivan (barman); Cazz Spellman (beautician).

Occupation: PR accounts manager for North Devon Partnership Trust.

Job-related skills: gift of the gab; good communicator of ideas.

Personal qualities: happy-go-lucky; reliable; confident; generous; loving.

Ambitions: to raise a family with Michael.

Fears/hang-ups: time passing her by.

Philosophy of life: life is what you make it.


Opposition: Dane Gilbert Sullivan

Address: Folly Edge, Western Rise, Woolacombe.

Date and place of birth: 13/4/56. Sevenoaks.

Height and appearance: 5’ 11”. Short grey hair; toned physique; chiselled jaw.

Distinguishing marks: slight limp; faint scar on jawline.

Health: recovering alcoholic.

Parents’ names and occupations: Chris Sullivan (dead); Mary (owned stables).

Other family members: Cynthia (younger sister); Stacey (stepdaughter, 18); Jackson (son, 21); Josh Sullivan (nephew); Natalie (wife).

Friends’ names and occupations: Paul Turner (estate agent); Nancy and Bruce Thompson (medical secretary and holiday park manager).

Occupation: Owns Waney Edge Holiday Park.

Job-related skills: good with numbers and knows what holidaymakers want.

Personal qualities: ruthless; charming; keen to prove himself; loves his kids.

Ambitions: to expand Waney Edge.

Fears/hang-ups: that he will lose the business if he doesn’t expand.

Philosophy of life: work hard, play hard.

Deadlines are overrated

Oops, have just seen how long it is since I pledged to do the CVs for my main characters. And I've done absolutely nowt about it since. Until yesterday that is, where I got the isnpiration to dig out the CV and novel structure templates from uni and print them along with a couple of my creative writing assessment pieces to read through.
The saving grace is that I have been forming rough character ideas in my head so it should be relatively easy to stick those on paper. And I've got a 10-hour plane trip to Florida next Friday to fill, so in essence it's quite good I've been so lazy as I can dedicate that time to the novel :-)

In other news, Theme Park Camp went well (Sept 4-6)- the Explorer Scouts loved Thorpe Park and I got to dress as a pint of Guinness at the fancy dress disco, woop woop! The Wednesday after that, September 9, Carrie and I went to watch England trash Croatia 5-1 at Wembley to head straight into the World Cup. It was a fantatsic day in the capital and I was well impressed by Carrie's parents' place in Sevenoaks (where we stayed after the match).
After a fleeting visit back to Exeter to get my hair done and Explorers on the Thursday night, I headed to Brighton on Friday (Sept 11) for a weekend with Robin. Had the best time - wandered around the Laines, watched Panorama being filmed at the Food Festival and enjoyed the most side-splitting night of stand-up at Komedia on the Saturday, followed by a couple of bars. Good times. I'm also now the proud owner of a Little Miss Trouble t-shirt, thanks to Robin :-) Sunday was spent mooching along the seafront (and getting addicted to the 2p machines on the Pier) and having a nose at the motorbike festival there. After a lovely meal at Italian restaurant Donatello's, involving killer lemon sorbet, it was time to say goodbye and head back to Exeter.

Right, I've got a Letters page to put together, so best be off. But those character CVs and a novel outline will be done by the time I get back from disneyland. Promise........

Sunday, Sunday, here again...

Hellooooo - can't believe it's the end of August already, where has this year gone?
I've made absolutely zero progress on the novel since August 19, but will amend that accordingly over the next fortnight by writing character profiles for my six main protagonists. These will follow the format I was taught in Creative Writing at uni, ending up like CVs of the characters, featuring their physical and emotional attributes. Clarifying the kind of people they are in this way establishes how they would react to certain situations as the story unfolds, therefore allowing them to steer events rather than vice versa.
Once these are ready, I'm going to skectch out a rough plotline in a flow chart, then begin drafting the first chapter. I've decided to do the stables story, as that's the one that's clearest in my mind so I wouldn't be starting completely from scratch. By Christmas my aim is to have three chapters drafted. I figure once it's down on paper, I have forever to play around with it.

In other news, it was brilliant having Robin to stay last weekend - we did the Exeter Underground Passages
tour, had a lovely meal at Cafe Rouge, watched Coco Before Chanel at the Picturehouse (awesome film, totally gripping) and spent a very chilled out afternoon sat in the sunshine outside the Prospect Inn on the Quay. Perfect.
Scout training session on Friday night involved a trip to Bideford. It was Module 19 International and really interesting. Turned into quite an adventure as instead of going with my instincts for the journey home, I relied on the SatNav....
Theme Park Camp is looming for next weekend - excited yet apprehensive. Just want it out of the way now to be honest.
It's dad's birthday on Wednesday and I have no idea what to get him, so gonna tootle into town later and see what I can find. Phone call to mum necessary first though, methinks.
Last night was fun - having seen Jen in the morning and spent the afternoon at Gran's gardening with mum and dad, I joined Carrie and Anna for a night of drink and dancing in town. It was a giggle, I discovered Savanna cider and got Chesney Hawkes' 'The One and Only' played in the club on request - yey!
Having eased myself into a hungover Sunday gently watching Peep Show over breakfast, it's time to head shower-wards - Carrie and I have called off the rope swing adventure for the time being so the day is free.

Inspiration strikes!

Since the weekend my head's been buzzing with potential ideas for what I should write. My top three so far have been the adventures of a crime-fighting hedgehog (major potential for serialisation, which is cool); some kind of zombie-led shenanigans (thanks Robin :-) ) and a tale about a riding stables. This last idea is based on the play script I wrote when I was eight and directed in front of my primary school peers - totally stressful thing to do but kinda fun. Anyhoo, the basic premise is that the stables gets into financial difficulties because of some really nasty characters the reckless owner knows, and faces closure, but by overcoming several sticky situations the heroic staff eventually save the day (and two of them fall in love in the process - gotta have a romance angle, right? :-)

Meantime, I'm busy organising a camp for Taw Explorer Scouts to Thorpe Park at the beginning of September, watching far too many films for my eyes to cope with (Harry Potter 6, Revolutionary Road, Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Atonement since Sunday - not bad going, eh?) and looking forward to the weekend as Robin's coming to visit.

For the record Harry Potter and Atonement were awesome, but wasn't so sure about the other two.

And Facebook may be taking over my life....

And so it begins

Woke up this morning without a hangover for the first time in a few Saturdays. Feeling smug, yet strangley melancholy, I started thinking about what I could put on this page. Creating anything new at this stage seemed rather too adventurous so I thought I'd post a couple of pieces I wrote for the creative writing module that was part of my English Lit degree at Cardiff Uni. They cover quite a wide range of emotions that my 20/21-year-old self was experiencing and represent quite an important period in my life.


Keeping Up Appearances

Eat. Go on.

You know you want to.
It will make you feel better.
Anything you want.
Secure in the sensation that calories create confidence.

You feel warm,
You feel content.
You’re bloated,
You’re disgusting.

One flush takes the pain away ‘til the next time
Nothing stays down.
That’s against the rules.

I’m everything you love to hate;
Vanity, insecurity, low self-esteem.
I’m your best friend.
I’m your only friend.

You have a target.
You are in control.

So, eat. Go on.

(Self-confidence has always been an issue for me, and this poem sums up my struggle with body image.)

For You

I used to think of myself as a rational, sensible young woman, but since I’ve been with you, all that has changed. You whisper gently in my ear that you love me and all reason is lost. It’s like a plot from one of those trashy novels, where the heroine falls head-over-heels in love with the boy-next-door.

Unfortunately, we go through all the complications they don’t tell you about in those stories. We seem to experience everything they leave out, the arguments, the tears, the resentment. I ask myself time and time again if it is worth it. We seem to bicker over the most insignificant things, and I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault. But then I tell myself the time has come to stop looking back, and focus on the future. I could make you no end of promises and resolutions, but in the end it is up to you to decide whether you really want to share your life with me.

Ninety-nine percent of the time we are so close nobody can see the join, and it is then I know why we are together. We have an intimacy that is hard to find. Yet still both of us strive for reassurance that we won’t get hurt, that our investment won’t be wasted. But isn’t that just human nature? People naturally want to avoid rejection.

By writing this letter, I hope to put to rest any doubts or fears you may have. I know I have been stupid, but that was a long time ago, and the only thing I want now is to be with you. I promise to do everything I can to make you happy. After all, we make a good team. Your eyes light up when you smile, and you laugh at my corny jokes.

Now I really am starting to sound like a Mills and Boon heroine. But maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Clichés have worked effectively for every romance writer I can think of. All I am trying to do is lay down in black and white, as honestly as possible, how I feel about you. So if you think this letter is sentimental, good, because I am a sentimental person, and that will never change. Neither will the fact that I love you. There, I’ve said it. It’s out in the open. Many people see those three words as a point of no return. On the contrary, I see them as a new beginning. Our new beginning.

(This was dedicated to the man I was with for seven years, from sixth form, through uni to first job/first house. I like reading this as it captures everything that was good and bad about our relationship.)