And so it begins

Woke up this morning without a hangover for the first time in a few Saturdays. Feeling smug, yet strangley melancholy, I started thinking about what I could put on this page. Creating anything new at this stage seemed rather too adventurous so I thought I'd post a couple of pieces I wrote for the creative writing module that was part of my English Lit degree at Cardiff Uni. They cover quite a wide range of emotions that my 20/21-year-old self was experiencing and represent quite an important period in my life.


Keeping Up Appearances

Eat. Go on.

You know you want to.
It will make you feel better.
Anything you want.
Secure in the sensation that calories create confidence.

You feel warm,
You feel content.
You’re bloated,
You’re disgusting.

One flush takes the pain away ‘til the next time
Nothing stays down.
That’s against the rules.

I’m everything you love to hate;
Vanity, insecurity, low self-esteem.
I’m your best friend.
I’m your only friend.

You have a target.
You are in control.

So, eat. Go on.

(Self-confidence has always been an issue for me, and this poem sums up my struggle with body image.)

For You

I used to think of myself as a rational, sensible young woman, but since I’ve been with you, all that has changed. You whisper gently in my ear that you love me and all reason is lost. It’s like a plot from one of those trashy novels, where the heroine falls head-over-heels in love with the boy-next-door.

Unfortunately, we go through all the complications they don’t tell you about in those stories. We seem to experience everything they leave out, the arguments, the tears, the resentment. I ask myself time and time again if it is worth it. We seem to bicker over the most insignificant things, and I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault. But then I tell myself the time has come to stop looking back, and focus on the future. I could make you no end of promises and resolutions, but in the end it is up to you to decide whether you really want to share your life with me.

Ninety-nine percent of the time we are so close nobody can see the join, and it is then I know why we are together. We have an intimacy that is hard to find. Yet still both of us strive for reassurance that we won’t get hurt, that our investment won’t be wasted. But isn’t that just human nature? People naturally want to avoid rejection.

By writing this letter, I hope to put to rest any doubts or fears you may have. I know I have been stupid, but that was a long time ago, and the only thing I want now is to be with you. I promise to do everything I can to make you happy. After all, we make a good team. Your eyes light up when you smile, and you laugh at my corny jokes.

Now I really am starting to sound like a Mills and Boon heroine. But maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Clichés have worked effectively for every romance writer I can think of. All I am trying to do is lay down in black and white, as honestly as possible, how I feel about you. So if you think this letter is sentimental, good, because I am a sentimental person, and that will never change. Neither will the fact that I love you. There, I’ve said it. It’s out in the open. Many people see those three words as a point of no return. On the contrary, I see them as a new beginning. Our new beginning.

(This was dedicated to the man I was with for seven years, from sixth form, through uni to first job/first house. I like reading this as it captures everything that was good and bad about our relationship.)